Spiritual Gaming Co

What the fuck do I want? What do I want in a partner? What do I want for a career? What do I want in general? That’s a hard question to ask myself 🥴. My road to self-discovery is never ending. I constantly learn, grow, relearn myself, then grow some more. The same could be said for my love and relationships because they both need growth and evolution. Now, this can come from negative or positive factors, but regardless the outcome is the same, growth. The lessons learned from these experiences can be eye-opening.

I’m learning what I like and don’t like. What I want and need in a partnership and from a partner. Most importantly, I’m learning myself. I’m exploring the realm of polyamory. Solo poly to be exact. I’ve been polyamorous throughout my love life, and I must admit that my poly relationships were some of the most eye opening and beautiful relationships I’ve had. That’s not to knock monogamy because I like monogamy as well. But with polyamory I find it takes a lot more patience and understanding because it’s not a typical relationship. If there is such a thing. It took being vulnerable, feeling uncomfortable and openly communicating our issues and creating a safe space for all parties involved.

The lack of communication can ruin any relationship, especially a poly one. This lesson was a hard pill to swallow and I wish it was learned sooner than later because it would’ve saved me a lot of heartache in the process. But I am blessed for the lessons learned while going through the ugly bits because I now know that I need to work on as a man and potential partner.

Fun fact, it takes 90 seconds for your brain to react logically and not emotionally. Ever heard the term: Think before you speak?

I have issues with this and I have ruined more than one good relationship because of my disrespectful ass mouth. I never gave myself the time to analyze the exchange and basically reacted with my emotions and not logic.

We all know that once hurtful words are spoken they can’t be taken back. This is where the self-discovery comes into play. If I constantly did the same thing throughout every relationship then I’m quite certain I’d be a miserable little fuck. So to all the beautiful souls I’ve hurt along the way, just know that I am deeply sorry. Live and learn right?

Now, even though I do find comfort in monogamy, I do believe that I can fall in love with more than one person, we are just conditioned to think otherwise. I know I was for a long time and I had and still battle those insecurities. I love exploring and connecting with different souls. I also believe that some people are put on this Earth to not only learn, but also nurture and teach. You can learn so much from having an experience like polyamory. With polyamory though, I have to face my own personal insecurities, and trust me, I had/have a fuck ton of them.

This is where being uncomfortable plays its part. That’s where you truly learn about yourself. Looking back at my previous polyamorous relationships, I think it worked so well because we were always able to work things out through our open communication. We were able to have that open communication because we all created a safe space for one another. We had arguments just like any other couple, but we also had that togetherness. If one partner wasn’t on the same page, then we would all take a step back, access the situation, get to the meat and potatoes of the insecurity, and then all come up with a solution that helps positively reinforce that partner who’s having issues. I want to experience that type of partnership again. I want to experience that connectedness, that openness. Granted, I can get that through a monogamous relationship too, but I want to experience that with being solo poly.

I’m reminded of a date I recently had with a poly couple looking for a third. I may write about my experience in a later post. I will say that I enjoyed myself, especially because they were so open to answer any question I did have and trust me, I had a shit ton of them. And even though I could feel the love they had for one another, I also felt the longing they both shared to expand their love and relationship with someone they could grow with.

Needless to say, that person wasn’t me because I’m still finding myself, I just left a toxic relationship, and because I don’t think I’m ready to be tied down to anyone(s) at this point in time. I still want to explore. That couple is now part of my vibe tribe because the connection I did experience with them was pure, so I guess in a way it is a partnership. They gave me a safe space and openly express themselves to me and with one another. It was very fascinating to watch. Not to mention, they also smoke weed. Yea yea, I do smoke weed. A lot of it too. You live your life and let me live mine darlings.

But on a real note: what do you want? Are you happy with your relationship? With your partner? What could make it better? What are your needs? I bet some of you won’t be able to answer those questions and that’s the underlying problem. The fact you may not know who you are anymore. It might be a good time to practice self-reflection. Get to know yourself again.

As for me? I will continue to explore, grow and evolve. And I will embrace the people and connections I meet along the way. As always. I love yall. Thank you all for reading.