Spiritual Gaming Co

Let me just start off by saying, polyamory still gets a bad rep simply because it’s misunderstood. I once was a part of that group once upon a blue moon. Of course, I now have a different perspective. I decided to write this post following the dismal and fiery crash of my last poly relationship. As I think back on it, there were roughly five foundations that I felt were never built upon within that relationship.

A relationship to me is like a house. You need the foundations established first before you can live in it right? Four main walls and a roof, ergo the five foundations of a poly relationship I felt was lacking in mine. So let us explore these foundations.

1.Embracing Your Power

The status quo is that poly relationships can’t work. Let’s get something clear. Poly relationships can work and have been some of my most substantial relationships. It is possible to have a healthy, happy polyamorous relationship. Granted, the relationships you have reflect how you show up in said relationships. Not every poly relationship will be the same either. It is up to each partner to navigate the relationship and find a common ground.

2. Don’t Give Into The Bullshit

First and foremost, polyamory isn’t fucking easy because relationships in general aren’t easy. Expect it to be difficult because it will be. You have not only yourself to worry about, but also your other partners as well. Instead of fighting against the idea that your relationship can’t work, accept the challenges needed to get through it. You do that by being proactive. Something my last relationship lacked.

It’s ok to feel jealous. If you’re struggling, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. This is where my last relationship failed because my partner did make me feel like something was wrong with me because I would get jealous or have some negative reaction or emotion to our poly relationship. Jealousy is healthy though, and it’s something I had to learn.

3. Embrace the Jealousy

Let’s be honest, everyone gets jealous at one point of time in their relationship. If they say they don’t then they’re full of shit. Everyone gets jealous. Where there’s jealousy; guilt and resentment are not too far behind though. Jealousy can be used as a very successful tool if you use it correctly. The feeling of jealousy is just a feeling and it is part of being human. Jealousy shouldn’t be any different. Those feelings aren’t wrong.

When you’re feeling jealous it’s there for a reason. Jealousy was an indicator that I had to deal with my root issues. I wish I knew then what I know now. There’s this trifecta that just adds up to me to actually use jealousy as a positive tool in growing your poly or any relationship in general. It’s as follows:

Don’t make yourself wrong for feeling the way you feel because it’s not wrong. Once you realize this you can move on to the next stage, which is, focusing on and fixing the cause of the root issues in your relationship. I had to deal with the feeling that there was something lacking in me, and my relationship with my partner. That was because of all the programming and fear that there was something wrong on my end if my partner wanted to step outside of our relationship.

It happens people. Trust me. I’m not guilty of feeling jealous. I’m not wrong for feeling angry, distant, or lonely. I wish I knew that back then, it could’ve saved me a lot of heartbreak for sure. Once you get past dealing with the core issues, all that’s left is dealing with the remaining or residual feelings.

4. Learn The New Way:

In a poly or monogamous relationship when there is an issue what’s usually the course of action? Let me guess… more date nights? More alone time? More partners? More conversations?More books, podcasts, etc. That shit doesn’t work and here’s why. You’re simply redirecting your focus, and it’s not on the root cause or core issues that are happening within your relationship (s). You have to realize that all the different areas of a relationship are all interconnected. When one area is at war, it creates a war within the other areas as well. For a more blatant way of saying it: stop fucking playing wack-a-mole, or constantly redirecting your focus on other aspects of your relationship to try to cover up the root cause instead of dealing with it.

I now prefer to embrace relationships by design. I must reiterate, no two relationships are the same, but they all are designed pretty similarly. I feel there are certain aspects that can really strengthen a poly relationship, especially if it’s on the verge of collapse, something that was lacking in my relationship. These are as follows:

The 4 Key Areas of Any Relationship

Communication

• Communication is key to any relationship, both poly and mono alike. If you can’t speak about your issues and only argue, there’s no growth. No understanding. I’m still learning how to communicate effectively. At the time, I wasn’t able to communicate MY NEEDS and WANTS. I also didn’t feel like there was a safe space established to be able to communicate effectively because let’s be honest, I and my partner had a disrespectful mouth, so there were a lot of hurt feelings on both sides.

Connection

• The connection between your partner needs to be re-established. Hurt feelings can happen quickly in a poly relationship. In order to progress, that connection has to be present and it takes all parties to make that happen. Granted, it can be done by one person, but the other partner has to be willing and able. I connect with people on a very spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical level. This is called a soul connection because I am also an empath. I connect deeply and when that connection is damaged I feel it deeply, more so than my partners. The trust is gone. That safe space is null and void. The energy is different and above all else, it may be hard and confusing to know how to navigate trying to re-establish a damaged connection with your partner. But nevertheless, it can be done.

Jealousy

• Remember, jealousy can be a very powerful tool if used correctly. When used as an indicator, it can be one of the most fulfilling and monumental moments in your relationship. Remember, you feel the way you feel for a reason. You aren’t wrong for feeling that way. You must use jealousy to deal with the root issues though, or it can become toxic real quick. Both parties need to work on the emotions and root issues that cause the arguments.

Agreement

• After everything is said and done, there has to be an agreement struck that everyone is on board with. If there isn’t an agreement, then the remaining feelings need to be dealt with. There needs to be something established because a poly relationship needs rules, boundaries, and agreements; however, you wanna call it. There needs to be something governing your relationship. You can’t just be out here all willy-nilly. It doesn’t work like that. Everyone needs to be on the same accord.

5. Counseling

Oh no. Therapy? Yes, therapy. But here’s the thing. You won’t go to just any other run-of-the-mill therapist. For instance, would you go to a bookstore to buy shoes? Or vice versa? No. So why do that with couples therapy? Couples therapy can do wonders for couples, but what if you are poly? Well, you may need to do some research, but therapists that are actually poly themselves are an amazing option. I’ve done a couple of sessions for myself with my current therapist who is also poly and the insight she gives me has helped me currently. Don’t do it alone. Couples counseling can be very beneficial for a poly relationship, but only if the therapist is a part of the lifestyle as well. It just makes fucking sense, right?

That’s all I have for you, my lovelies. Let me tell you though, it’s been a wild fucking ride. There have been lessons learned. Hearts broken. Connections set a blaze. One thing has remained constant though and still holds true for me, polyamory can and is still beautiful, just like monogamy.